Sitting at the edge of her bed, flipping through the pages of her book, she felt a sense of déjà vu. And this wasn’t just one of those times when the moment felt strangely familiar, even though it had never happened for real. It was those times when it actually had. Unfortunately.
She went back a year in time, like how they show in movies, with the scene turning into varying shades of gray.
She was sitting on her bed, the same way she was sitting now, reading ‘The Kite Runner’ and trying to focus on an otherwise beautiful book. And she would have found it beautiful too, if only her mind would let her focus on the writings on the page. But the words were getting blurry and doing a little dance, making it extremely difficult to concentrate. Her eyes were glazing over and she knew it had nothing to do with the book she was reading. It was something entirely different.
And with that confession that silly smile made its appearance on her face. Again. For the hundredth time that night.
She was beginning to feel stupid. Smiling like that all by herself. But she couldn’t help it. Nothing she did could wipe that smile off. And she was ok with that.
Her thoughts went to the day’s events. She wanted to skip all the mundane regular unimportant stuff and get to the part that had her smiling like a fool. But she liked to go over the entire day, hour by hour, until she reached her favourite part.
And so she did.
The day had begun like any other day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing special that would give her a hint of how it would end. She was in an ok mood and was getting ready to go to work.
She reached the office to find that there wasn’t much to do at the moment so she went about checking her mails. Bills. Mutual funds. Bank statements. More bills. Wow, she thought. The only people who care to write to you are those who want to get money out of you.
She was about to log out of her account when she saw a mail from one of her friends-Sean, also her colleague here at work. She turned around in her seat and saw him typing away at his desk. Funny that he should be mailing her when he sat just a few feet away from her. Or maybe it was work related.
She opened the mail and read the only sentence he’d written: “let’s go for beer later, ‘cuz I’m fed up with work.”
Always been a guy of few words when it came to writing, she mused.
“Yeah sure,” she replied back to his mail and logged out.
She went about doing her work for the rest of the morning, had her lunch at the cafeteria with a bunch of her friends, which also included Sean. He cribbed about how annoying everyone was and how people just did what they were told, without any inputs or initiatives from their side. He complained of how people didn’t care about what they did as long as they were being paid at the end of the month. He worried that people were getting even more selfish with each passing day and that no one cared about others anymore.
She smiled to herself. This discussion was typical of Sean. He’d always been a person who worked with great passion and love for what he did. He loved being out on the field, interacting with people from different walks of life. Being with them, talking to them, hearing their problems and finding a way to help them- that was Sean. Making himself useful was the only way Sean was happy, and spreading a smile everywhere he went, especially with children, was the highlight of his day.
Even here at work, he tried to do the same thing, even though some of his methods weren’t quite in agreement with the top management. His ideas were too radical or unconventional for them to swallow. But Sean fought to get his way, and more often than not, he succeeded. Because they knew he had the ability to prove himself right. And he almost always did.
Back in her room, still struggling to read, she was getting restless. She wanted to skip to the good part now.
After lunch was over they all went back to their work, which had taken on its usual pace, gathering momentum as the day progressed. They didn’t really have the leisure to sit and chat now and everyone was hurrying up with their own stuff, wanting to get it over with, and without any interest.
She paused in her work for a while to take a quick bathroom break. On her way she sneaked a look at Sean’s desk and saw him busy with a video game. Again she had to smile. This was typical too. While everyone went one way, Sean went the other. He took his breaks whenever he wanted because it depended on his moods. Sometimes he’d sit at his desk working for 3-4 hours at a stretch, not wanting to lose his flow. And when he took a break, it was while others were typing away at full speed. It made him look like he was wasting time or wasn’t working hard enough. But that wasn’t true.
He saw her spying on him and flashed a smile. “Hey there sweetheart. Ready to go?”
‘Sweetheart’. Sure. That was the other thing about Sean and her. They were the closest friends. They’d known each other for over a year now and there was a certain comfort level they shared that allowed them to flirt with each other like this. Harmless flirting. It was never serious. “Have you seen the chicks around here?” he would ask her, even though it was a rhetoric question for him. “They’re either married, have boyfriends or are ugly. You’re the only semi-pretty woman here who ain’t married. And I’m hot. So you should consider yourself lucky,” and he would wink at her. She would reply with a smirk and tell him that he was way too modest.
It never went beyond friendship for both of them, they’d never even thought of it. Besides, there was nothing more than friendship that they were looking for from each other. He had his priorities and she had her reasons. They were ok with where they were and had no issues that it wasn’t going anywhere serious. Its how they wanted it to be. Without any complications. “Once people start dating it just kills the fun,” he’d always say. And she agreed with him.
Anyway, moving forward.
She was packing up and getting ready to leave office. Sean came up behind her and whispered furiously, “if you don’t hurry up I’ll either kill you or somebody else for sure!”
She grinned and picked up her bag. “Let’s go.”
She stood at the gate and waited for him to get his car. When he drove by the gate, she got in and had barely closed the door when he sped off. She fumbled with her seatbelt and asked him what was wrong. He simply shook his head and continued to stare at the road ahead, only stopping to glare at passing cars if they over took from the left or to honk at those in his way. She knew he was pissed but she waited for him to calm down.
They got to his favourite club and took his usual seat. He nodded at the girl behind the reception desk and at the guy who came to take their order. He was a regular at this place and everyone knew him. Actually people knew him wherever he went; he was quite a known figure that way.
They placed their order, and got talking. She was doing most of the talking initially, knowing that sooner or later he would burst and tell her what was wrong.
Skip, skip, skip to later.
They’d finished their beers and were back in the car. He said he’d drop her home. But before that he wanted to take her somewhere.
There was this place somewhere on the outskirts, a bridge that over looked the only river that passed through the city. It was supposed to be a beautiful sight this time of the year (winter), with a thick layer of mist over the waters and dim lights showing through. With a chilly wind blowing over the river, it was amazing. That’s what Sean said.
He was shocked that she hadn’t seen the place ever, inspite of having grown up in the same city. “You have to see it!” he’d insisted in the club. And he told her he’d take her there.
So there they were, driving off through a place that was as remote as any place could be. The roads got narrower and winding, and the winds got chillier.
“You’re sure this is where it is?” she asked him uncertainly.
“Yes. Just wait till we get there.”
When they reached their destination, he parked just before the bridge and they got out. They walked towards the narrow concrete bridge, right till the middle and then looked beyond.
It was, indeed beautiful.
He asked her to bend over the ledge. He wanted to show her the little fish that swam on the surface. Even with the fog, he said you could see tiny specs of gold in the water.
“No, I’m not looking down. I’m scared of heights,” she said.
“C’mon,” he said, holding her arm. “I’ll catch you if you fall. Now get over here.”
She tried to run away but he held on to her and took her towards the railing. Still terribly scared of looking down, she closed her eyes and bent forward.
“Do you see it?” he asked eagerly.
“Mmmhmmm”, she mumbled.
They stood there in silence for a while, taking in the scene. It was getting colder and they walked back to his car.
“I’m so tired,” he sighed as he got into the car. “Wish I didn’t have to drive.”
“Well, if I knew how to drive, I would,” she offered.
“You don’t know how to drive?” he asked as though it was a huge flaw. “Let me teach you!”
She looked at him as though he was crazy. “Yeah right.”
“No seriously. I will. Hold on till when we get to a broader stretch of the road and a little more light. Then I’ll teach you,” he told her enthusiastically.
She seemed uncertain about the idea, but his excitement was contagious. “Ok,” she agreed with a grin.
When they got to a safer place, he stopped the car and asked her to get out and come to the driver’s seat. He shifted over to the other side and she got in. She closed the door and looked at him. “Ok. Now what?”
He told her to put her feet onto the brakes and accelerator and hold the steering wheel in a 10 and 2 position, like that on a clock. Then he looked around as though trying to figure how he was going to teach her how to drive, while sitting on the passenger seat, giving out instructions without actually being in control of the car.
“Hmmm. Ok this is not going to work. Hold on. Get out for a second,” and saying so he pushed the driver’s seat backwards to make more room in the front. He stared at the seat for a moment and then climbed on to it. He adjusted himself towards the rear end of the seat and said,” Ok now come in.”
She looked at him and at the seat. “On the same seat? With you on it? Where am I going to sit then? There isn’t enough room for both of us.”
He seemed to think otherwise and told her to get in. She tried to get into the car, head first. That didn’t really work out. Then she tried going in backwards. Not the best way either, but somehow she managed to sit on the seat, still unsure of how she was going to drive.
He told her to move her feet so he could fit his in near the brakes. That meant she had nowhere to keep her own. After a lot of struggling she sat cross-legged on the seat, not knowing what to do. In doing so she accidentally elbowed him in the stomach and he let out a yelp.
She turned her face around and saw his face contorted in pain. She knew it wasn’t funny, but she burst out laughing at the hilariousness of the situation.
“Shut up, this isn’t funny,” he croaked, and tried not smile. But he eventually did. And both of them doubled over with laughter, in whatever little space they had.
She turned her face to him again, wanting to say sorry amidst the giggles. And out of no where, without any warning, he brought his face an inch closer and kissed her.
It was a soft gentle kiss. And it was over before she realized what had happened. She looked into his eyes, and smiled.
He grinned in his boyish way and said,” Boy. It’ll be awkward at work tomorrow, won’t it?”
The moment had passed.
They drove back home, talking all the while. But not about what had happened.
Back on her bed, she was smiling again. She loved what had happened that day and couldn’t shake off the feeling that came along with the memory. It didn’t mean much, she guessed. But she couldn’t wait for tomorrow so she could see him at work and decide for sure if it would be awkward.
Fast forwarding to the present, she thought about that day a year ago and even now, it brought a smile to her face. Only this time it was accompanied by tears rolling down her cheeks. Everything was different now.
That day after she and Sean had briefly kissed, she’d seen him at work. She’d waved at him from her desk but he hadn’t waved back. Maybe he hadn’t seen her. She mailed him, but no reply. All that day he hadn’t said a word to her. Even when the day had ended, there was nothing.
And so it was, the next day, the day after that, the week and the whole of that year. He never spoke to her after that day in the car. No explanations, no reasons- nothing. Every time she approached him he would make up an excuse about being busy, or simply refuse to talk.
She didn’t know what had happened, or why he wouldn’t talk to her. All she knew was that whatever they had had was over.
She cried softly, the tears smudging the writing on her book. Even after all this time, it still hurt. She missed him. But he’d never know. He was just a memory now. And she hoped that someday soon it would fade away, just like their friendship had.
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