MY INNERSELF SPEAKS

I’ve realized this after just three days of being here.

I’m turning into one of them.

Maybe not entirely, but I think I can see myself getting there in no time.

But there’s a difference. The difference is that I’m noticing it, and I know its happening. Do I want it to happen? Do I like what’s happening? I’m not sure. But how much time do I have before I am just one of those unknown faces in the crowd?

When I’d spoken to my friend about wanting or not wanting to be here, where I am right this moment, she’d thought I was insane of even thinking about not coming back. How anyone could not love this city, is what she couldn’t understand. I tried telling her that this was not me. That I couldn’t live a life in perpetual hurry. People running from one place to the other, not even glancing at the person next to them. The only interactions they have are with clients, contacts or those they meet while traveling. I couldn’t be like them. I couldn’t be cold and business-like and not give a damn about anyone but myself.

I haven’t turned into that person yet. I know that. But I feel like it’ll happen. And even though I like it in a way, I don’t know if I’ll be happy always. On the other hand, the way I see it, me becoming that person won't be so bad after all. Atleast it'll make me stronger and not care so much about people.

I look at what I have right now. The good and the bad.

I rush to work the moment I’m awake. The only thing on my mind first thing in the morning is which local train will get me fastest to work and avoid the rush. I barely have time to eat before I leave, or get enough time to talk to my friends.

On the train too, I switch on my music and shut myself to the rest of the world. At work, I do my own thing, and at the end of 8 hours, I’m making my way back home. The same one hour back and forth, too tired to do anything but doze off as the train makes its way through Mumbai’s busiest areas.

As I get off the train and head home, I’m practically running. My feet move as though they’re possessed by some unknown force. I stop for nothing and no one and I look straight ahead without noticing what’s around me.

Back home I’m too exhausted to do anything but hit the sack and be dead to the world.

The next morning, it’s the same story.

But then, I have to be fair. There is the better side.

When I wake up in the morning, I sit up and the first thing I see is the incredible view outside my window. Nothing beats that feeling. Its 7 am and it’s still foggy outside. I can see tall buildings till the farthest end of the earth. It’s beautiful. I know, a bunch of buildings isn’t exactly what one would call a work of art, but you have to see it to believe it. I feel on top of the world. Literally.

On my way to work, I watch the city go by. And that’s when I have all the time in the world to simply sit and stare. Somehow, it’s still misty outside and all those buildings that I have to strain my neck to see disappear into the clouds. It’s amazing to see that even these man-made structures make your heart stir.

When I’m in the cab that takes me to my office, I sit with my head out of the window and yet again, I’m amazed at what I see. Buildings are crammed in every inch in Mumbai, and still, the sight of those massive concrete blocks is an entirely different feeling. You know how you see flowers blooming and sprawling lawns or rolling mountains and endless waters and feel like the world just doesn’t get better than this? You feel like nothing inspires you more? That you could be in this place forever?

It’s strange, but I somehow get that feeling here too.

But one of the best things is what I see when I’m leaving for home. I get into a cab and as I drive along marine lines, there’s nothing more incredible. For those familiar with the Manhattan skyline, it’s the closest thing to that. The sea stretches out in front of you and across that, you can see a whole new side of the city. Rows and rows of buildings of varying heights line the seashore. They’re speckled with innumerable spots of yellow and red and blue. Billboards light up the sidelines. The lamp-posts along marine drive can be seen curving along the coastline till as far as the eyes can see. The wind blows through your hair and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks fills your ears.

I can’t imagine working anywhere else. Where else will I get a view like this? Where else will I be at a place that inspires me like no other? Where I am just like every other person yet my own individual self?

It’s a debate that’s going on inside of me. Do I like it here or do I not? Do I want to be here? Do I want to let Mumbai work her magic on me just as she’s done with everyone who’s ever been here?

Even as I contemplate what I feel, I tell myself, ‘ if its happening, let it happen. Don’t fight it.’